#29
Have you read Ps. 121? You should.
Psalm 121: 1-2
“I look up to the mountains, does my help come from there? My help comes from the lord the maker of heaven and earth. He will guard and guide me, never letting me stumble or fall. God is my keeper; he will never forget or ignore me”
6 “The lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night.”
If you grew up in a Christian household, these verses are very familiar to you; however, I think we can hear many things and understand very few. My understanding of this chapter in the bible was deepened because of the season I was travelling through. This verse became my anthem for every battle I faced this year.
I started 2025 on a high. While working throughout Christmas and New Year’s, my new rotation gave me the gift of having some time off between work. I optimised that time by praying and really speaking to God about what I wanted out of this year. 2024 was tumultuous for several reasons, and I was still licking my wounds. I was dealing with a lot of doubt and working on rebuilding my confidence. However, I was determined that this year must be different; so, I went into prayer. I declared that this time, I will laugh more than I cry. I was adamant that this would be my testimony. The first four months felt like a breeze. While my schedule felt more consuming than usual, I was soaring. I felt a grace that I couldn’t explain. I felt peace. My understanding grew, and so did my faith. Then suddenly, close to the climax, nearing the end of months of preparation to write a major exam, I fell sick. Now, I will be honest, when I’m unwell, I call it “fake news,” because I am my father’s daughter; we don’t fall sick. You pray, drink some water, and rebuke sickness. I know this makes no sense as I am a physician, but my point is, for me to be sick enough to call into work on consecutive days, I had to be literally bed-bound. That period of being unwell for some reason really knocked me down temporarily and had more of a mental effect on me than it did physically. I lost my motivation, every pending task felt overwhelming, and that overwhelming feeling was crippling. While I was still adamant on finishing well, I couldn’t muster the physical or mental energy to do any work.
One day, while having my quiet time, I came across this verse. It was like having an “aha” moment. While I had read it many times, it never meant as much to me as it did in that moment. King David (the author of the verse), while being the target of a King he loved as a father, fighting enemies at every corner, pauses to look for help. He reminds himself that there is a heavenly father whom his help can come from. My attention was drawn to the repetition of the phrase, “The lord watches over you.” He says it five times within eight short verses. I began to reflect and realised that the limitation that I felt physically and mentally was a space God could fill. Furthermore, if I felt stuck, inadequate, and limited, He was more than sufficient. Where I end, was where He began. Where I felt defeated, He promised victory. Where I felt alone and afraid, He was the friend who sticks closer than a brother. Where I felt embarrassed, unintelligent, like a mouse amid elephants, He can remind me to trust him.
The next few weeks after that felt like a breeze. I had this type of focus that I couldn’t explain. What I was meant to accomplish in the months prior, I did in those two weeks. It wasn’t that I suddenly woke up and everything I was feeling dissipated. Rather, the confession of my mind changed, and my thought pattern followed. Every hardship was faced through the lens of my faith. Soon, I didn’t have to remind myself that God was with me; I knew it. It showed through the support of my family, extended family, and friends. It showed when someone would randomly call or text me to check in. It showed in the strength I found again to work and handle my other responsibilities. It showed when I chose to extend Grace to myself rather than chastisement. I left the month of May, June and even July, feeling a peace and Joy I never knew. It made last year worth it. Worth the tears, the constant tumultuous environment, the personal losses, and hard lessons.
I’ll be honest, speaking about the outcome of a thing is easier than speaking about an ongoing, evolving experience. The outcome, especially the favourable ones, breezes past the moments of uncertainty. I’ve come to realise that the goal isn’t necessarily the victorious outcome, but the choices you make on the way to victory. Are you still that child who throws a tantrum at every opposition, yet expecting to be trusted with the responsibilities of a leader? Are you still that little girl amplifying the deceitful voice of unworthiness while dulling the voice of your creator? Do you face that voice with the truth of God’s word, or allow it to continue to take root in your mind? Do you practice resilience or just speak about it? Is your faith based on sight, or do you choose to believe regardless of what you see? Have you obtained the discipline the new position you are praying for requires, or do you spend your most valuable resource (time), pinning for what you have not prepared for? Are you intentional about your growth or just aiming for inspiration, not transformation? Do you look for Jesus in the desert, or build idols from what He created? Are you more interested in what God can do for you, rather than the intimacy of having His presence with you? Do you trust Him, or act like you do?
I am learning to love the process. I emphasise, learning, because I am not always going to respond to every challenge like this. For me, it’s a daily decision, sometimes a twice-daily decision. I am learning to accept the imperfect transitions from who I was to who I am becoming. I am slowly learning to identify and celebrate the small victories. I am learning to prioritise my spiritual growth. I am learning to look for God during the storm, not after. I believe that’s where He’s the most present. I am learning to keep praying even when I am winning, because I still need the wisdom to handle the blessing. I am learning not to just regurgitate scripture, but to seek to understand it, and live out my understanding. I am learning to extend myself, Grace, especially in critical moments. Where the events of the day make me feel incompetent, inadequate, or discouraged. I force myself to remember where I started. My mind echoes with thoughts like, “The Lord watches over you, (Ps 121: 5),” “God will make the impossible, possible (Luke 18:27)” “He promised to never leave or forsake you (Josh 1:9).” I am choosing to enjoy this season of preparation and to remain a student, with a teachable posture. While I am still seeking clarity as each untold chapter of my life unfolds, I am learning to be still. So, breath. One day, your only response to the miracles around you will be, “God did that!”
Until next time,
